After the initial shock and fear wear off, it can take years to re-enter the dating arena, so I will try to help explain how to start dating again if you are HIV Positive. I was diagnosed with HIV 22 years ago, on April 15th, 1987, Tax Day. The place was 1600 Pacific Coast Highway, in San Diego, Ca. which happens to be the center for San Diego's health authorities. Back in those days a diagnoses of HIV was a sure fire death sentence, with maybe 1-2 years to live, if you were lucky.
There were no HIV Medications for treatment, they still didn't know what they were dealing with. When I was diagnosed I was handed a packet of papers, and as the voice of the person talking to me trailed off, I felt myself going into a bit if a shut off state of mind. I got up, walked out and when I hit the parking lot I fell to my knees and started crying. My girlfriend at the time just knelt down and held me and let me cry. She was in a bit of shock as well.
I lived in an area called Normal Heights, and the gay area of town was pretty close by, so I had to go to the gay community to find help and information about being HIV . The heterosexual community wasn't really affected at this point, and if you did have HIV and you were heterosexual, you kept your mouth shut so as not to be thought of as gay or an I.V. drug user. Some of the things a person goes through when they are diagnosed with HIV are "will I ever be loved again?", "will anyone ever love me for me", "will I ever find someone who will make love to me", "will I ever have sex again", "I'm trash", "Damaged goods", "Diseased". I mean serious deep down questions that hit right down to the heart of a persons soul and psyche.
Talk about suddenly feeling alone. Whoa. I went through it all, the head trips, the questions, how do you tell someone you are HIV , what if this or what if that? I remember getting picked up by a girl at "Billy Bones Bar", about 1 year after being diagnosed, we had gone to her car and started kissing. I had to stop her and tell her that I was HIV . At the same time I also tried to tell her that she couldn't get it from kissing, and she had nothing to worry about, but that really didn't matter as she reached over, opened my door and pushed me out and proceeded to take off. I remember asking her "Remember the pamphlet the surgeon general mailed out to everyone about HIV?" to which she answered yes, I asked if she had read it and she said no, she didn't think it was that important.
I asked her "Is it important now", to which she replied yes, and left. Throughout my life being a heterosexual and HIV , I have dated on and off, HIV Negative women, HIV Positive women, and I have had to deal with rejection all throughout this time. No matter how much you say you get used to it, you never really fully get over rejection, even when you expect it. I have however found a way to date, a process in which l set up the circumstances to better favor the person who is HIV , so that they will have a better chance when the time comes to disclose their status, and have the least amount of rejection when dating. It lets the other person get to know you before they see the "Scary Monster" called HIV.
The process starts when I would start dating someone, more like courting, in the old school way. Being a perfect Gentleman, no kissing, no messing around, just going out on dates and hanging out here and there, letting the person get to know me and me getting to know her. I let this happen for a while, several weeks, maybe even a few months. I like to let the tension build, sexual, attraction, wants and needs, whatever you want to call it. But the key here is to let the person get to know you and you get to know them.
And I do mean really get to know this person. Not only is this a good way of getting to know someone, but it is a good way of deciding if this person is right for you in the long run. Sometimes with this process you may NEVER even have to tell them you're HIV . You might decide you don't want to be any where near this person. Ok, so after a period of time goes by and the tension has built up just so much that you feel at anytime, maybe even the next time you say good bye to leave for the night, this might be THE time that something could happen, such as a goodbye kiss because the tension is so great, this might be the time to decide to tell this person.
If I decide that this is now the right time to tell this person, I usually set up a nice little evening rendezvous with them at their place, and while I am there having a nice time, at some point I tell them I need to tell them "something". I let them know this because I feel that the relationship is "Going in that direction". I have them sit down and this does get easier each time this happens, it's the rejection that is never fully gotten used to. I sit them down, and I tell them "I need to let you know this because I feel we are headed in a direction that I am happy to be headed, but I Respect you and Care about you, so I need to tell you that I am HIV Positive." I also let them know that I am NOT god(should you believe in a god) and it is their right to decide if they want to be with me, and whatever their decision is, I will respect that decision. You might even want to have some pamphlets handy for them to read about HIV.
Assure them that everything is ok, and whatever they decide, even if they decide they don't want to continue seeing you in a romantic way, that everything is ok, and you respect their decision. But the key here is to let THEM decide. I WOULD NOT stress that they need to make a decision right then and there, give them some time. Once I have given my little talk, I ask them if they have any immediate questions they would like to ask, and if not, I sometimes will tell them that I am going to let them sit and digest what I just told them, and then I leave. I usually leave so they can quietly figure out what I have just told them.
These days, many people are more educated than they were in 1987 and it isn't as scary as it was 22 years ago, but some people are still not so educated, and they need time to chew on it. The key points in this process are to tell them BEFORE anything happens, before you kiss them, Definitely BEFORE SEX, and again never pressure them to make a decision right then. Just let them be, let them have control, let them decide. They will respect you more for telling them before anything happens, they will respect you more if you let them decide what is right for them without pressure, and they will definitely respect you more for RESPECTING THEM. One of the emotional advantages of letting them get to know you for a while before telling them is if they do start to like you romantically, they are somewhat "Addicted" to you, they like you, they want you, want to be with you, so it is natural that this will create a tie that binds.
Also it lets them get to know you as a person, not a monster that is scary and out to get them. I have found, in the past, that people see me for me, a human being, a person, and a non threatening entity, but as soon as they here those letters: H.I.V. come out of my mouth they cease to see me the person, and start seeing the Scary Monster that's out to kill them. Mind you like I said this is more in the past, as people tend to be educated more so than they were 22 years ago. Once you create the romantic energy between the two of you, it will go much easier telling them you are HIV Positive than if you tell them on your first date.
Trust me, I know, I have done this for the past 22 years and have had my share of rejection and acceptation. I now have a wonderful girlfriend to whom I intend to marry in the very near future, as well as a beautiful and healthy 10 month old daughter with her, who is also HIV Negative. One more thing I want to touch on, if you are one who is on the HAART (highly active antiretroviral therapy), and your viral load is undetectable, this is fortunate for you, as studies show, since the year 2000, that anyone with a viral load of less than 1500 copies or is undetectable, is not likely to pass HIV on to their partner. These studies have been done through many reputable medical centers and hospitals such as Johns Hopkins, just google "The Hopkins HIV Report - May 2000" and that should show you the reports I speak of. This is the reason I now have an 8 month old daughter who is HIV Negative.
It is through the medical breakthroughs in recent years with HIV that have enabled people such as me to live normal and happy lives. I hope this information helps someone else, who is newly or even longer, diagnosed with HIV. There is life after Diagnoses.
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